The Wheel and Axle

Dear Your Eminence,

(or is it Highness, I could never get these things right)

I wanted to write you this letter to congratulate you for your recent statements that have been quite enlightening.

Although I am a practicing Methodist and was raised a Protestant by my mother, I studied for twelve years in the premiere Jesuit school in our country. Also, my father’s side of the family is Catholic. As such, I have always considered myself as someone who has a fairly deep understanding of, if not belief in, Catholic dogma and practices.

Thus, I found your statements quite intriguing as these led me to new insights about Catholic doctrine that I never knew existed. You learn something new everyday, as they say.

For one thing, it seems we are now to condemn the people and not the act. I like this as I always thought people were pesky in general and should be condemned, maybe even slapped, rather than be reached out to. We should send a prayer to Jesus and ask Him why in the world he hung out with whores, lepers, tax collectors, midgets, and – my goodness – fishermen when He could have spent His days with religious leaders, who for some reason He liked to call vipers. You may have a direct line to Him; perhaps you can confirm.

I still, however, have some questions regarding your new doctrine. I seek your guidance on these matters because your innovative thoughts have tickled my curiosity.

1. As you seem to imply that you now have jurisdiction over MCC, does this extend to other non-Catholic religious institutions as well? If so, maybe you should also exercise your new jurisdiction over our Muslim brothers who choose to take multiple wives, seeing as how this goes against Catholic doctrine. And why stop there? Other religions have practices that do not jibe with Catholic dogma. I hear the Jews don’t believe in Jesus; how about forcing the small Jewish community in the country into believing in our Lord? Next, please ask Iglesia ni Cristo to stop holding services on Thursdays and just stick to Sundays, or at least move the Thursday ones to Wednesdays, preferably in Baclaran. Let me know what types of letters, reactions, and praises you will receive once you spread this unusual brand of ecumenism to bigger, more mainstream groups.
2. I love your eloquent use of such words as kadiri and gaya-gaya puto-maya. It tells the public that a man of your stature need not be respectable, regal or, dare I say it, eminent. Your choice of words reflects childlike innocence, the type of language little children use when they play. Tell me, did you learn these words from the boys rumored to have been molested by priests? If so, I like that you can have fun with boys and learn their language, too! It shows your ability to go beyond the physical; you can grope not just the body but the mind as well. I applaud you for this.
3. By any chance, are any of your ancestors named Damaso? Or perhaps Caiaphas?
4. Your new doctrine also involves jurisdiction over legal matters as well. Does this mean we should now ignore the teaching of Christ to give unto Ceasar what is Ceasar’s? That would be trailblazing for the Catholic Church, a church that has never been known to get involved in politics and matters of state. I especially like how you insist on the illegality of the MCC weddings when these were never performed under civil rites. Your knowledge of the law is such that we should give you a seat in the Senate, or at least Congress. Perhaps in the Supreme Court as well – your desire to prosecute a pastor who has nothing to do with Catholicism shows judgment beyond any earthly Supreme Court Justice.
5. Where are the “moral grounds?” Are these near the Luneta grounds?

Dear bishop, you are a true pioneer in your chosen field with your fascinating avant-garde ideas. I eagerly await when you will be promoted to Archbishop, or maybe Cardinal. Perhaps one day, your forward-looking doctrine may even get you elected CEO. I mean, Pope. On that day, millions will celebrate because you will have shown that the milieu you are boxed in right now is the way of the future rather than a Jurassic Park of polluted thought.

Yours humbly, complete with genuflection,

A.