The Wheel and Axle

I guess it’s appropriate that Josh Duhamel, one of the leads of “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”, is married to the vocalist of The Black Eyed Peas. The movie turned into one big Boom Boom Pow in its last hour. I’ve never before seen a movie with a one-hour climax, but here you have it.

It wasn’t a bad movie, but it wasn’t very good, either. The first two movies were entertaining; this was literally exhausting. You would think one would be used to Michael Bay at this point in time, but for some reason, he managed to top himself fifty times over with the noise and explosions on this one. It’s like he’s giving the finger to his most ardent critics by creating an even louder, more destructive film than anything in his entire career combined.

Should Be The Movie Theme

There’s not much to say about the plot, thin as it is and full of holes, not to mention continuity problems in light of the first two films. Of course, we don’t watch a Michael Bay movie for thought-provoking social commentary or heartfelt insight into the human psyche. We watch a Michael Bay for the explosions and action. We get what we expect, and more. You can’t say Michael Bay doesn’t deliver what we expect of him.

I really liked the incarnations of Shockwave and Laserbeak, though I still can’t accept Soundwave as a Mercedes. His role in the last movie as a satellite made sense as a modern approach to his obsolete cassette recorder form in the 80’s – he is, after all, the communications commander of the Decepticons – but the Mercedes form in this one is just another car in the crowd. On the other hand, I didn’t know whether to cringe or to laugh when I saw Megatron wearing a cloak and hood; pilgrimage to the Holy Land, perhaps?

Or a mendicant. Bow before Megatron the Mendicant!

I did wish Unicron was used as originally rumored, but I guess the fact that Cybertron appeared in our atmosphere distracted me enough as it was (hello, laws of gravity, wouldn’t introducing a huge mass by the moon have caused a whole bunch of crap to happen on Earth and the solar system?) so maybe it was better not to have utilized Unicron.

Also, given that this is said to be Bay’s last installment in the series, I wish he’d used my favorite Transformers of all, the Dinobots, but alas, he probably deemed them as not realistic enough. Unlike the rest of these alien robots from outer space.

The human cast is actually pretty good, with the likes of John Malkovich and Frances McDormand in the mix along with John Turturro and Patrick Dempsey, who probably got the best part of the lot. Kevin Dunn and Julie White remain as funny as ever playing Sam’s parents.

However, lead star Shia LaBeouf – who I’ve always been a fan of – is rapidly wearing off his welcome as Sam Witwicky. What was adorable in the first two movies has fast become annoying in the third, and it’s as though Shia didn’t even really want to try anymore, which is a shame as he’s quite the talented actor.

Josh Duhamel is great at what he does, but unfortunately what he is given here is limited. He is here almost as an afterthought while at the same time being given what should be a pivotal role. I’m unsure how the film manages to do that to a character, but it does.

Move over, Lisa. My lips are more inflatable than yours!

The sore spot in an otherwise good cast is model-turned-actress, and I use that term loosely, Rosie Huntington-Whitely. As one review put it, she makes Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep. I also do not understand why many people apparently find her attractive; she puts Lisa Rinna’s lips to shame. With those lips and her deer-in-headlights method of acting, Rosie seems to be in a perpetual state of orgasm while trying to mentally calculate the square root of 709.

The most interesting member of the entire ensemble turned out to be Laserbeak, who in the cartoons was a friggin’ cassette tape and who in this movie is a WTF deadly badass assassin. I wish Laserbeak had more screen time than Rosie. Laserbeak certainly had more character and acting capabilities than Rosie, and Laserbeak was CGI.

All in all, “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” was passable. Did I enjoy watching it? Yes. Will I do repeat viewings? Probably not. After that last hour, I felt like I took part in a decathlon.

Badass.

My Rating: 6 out of 10 Stars

Directed By: Michael Bay

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Tyrese Gibson, Rosie Huntington-Whitely’s cleavage and ass, Patrick Dempsey, Kevin Dunn, Julie White, John Malkovich, and Francer McDormand. And Laserbeak!

Featuring the voice work of: Peter Cullen, Leonard Nimoy, Hugo Weaving, Frank Welker, and many more

Showass.