The Wheel and Axle

Mango Says Bite Me

by on Jul.15, 2016, under Snark, Society

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God made Philippine mangoes, and it was good.

Run!

Hide!

Flee to the hills!

Chinese social media users have, oh my goddess of mercy, threatened to boycott Filipino mangoes because of the Hague ruling regarding the West Philippine Sea!

This will, like, destroy our economy and everything! We’ll have no more means to sustain our growth and development! I see starvation! I see hunger! Pestilence is coming! Perhaps even a well-orchestrated locust swarm!

Whatever shall we do? How shall we mitigate this unprecedented possible economic disaster? It doesn’t matter that our industry and export of the best-tasting mangoes in the whole wide world will still thrive in the many other rich countries that absolutely love them!

China is boycotting; we are doomed!

Doomed, I tell you!

And those poor non-boycotting Chinese! They are doomed, too! For they shall be deprived of the sweetest, juiciest, most succulent fruits on the face of the planet!

Pack your bags! Make your way to Helm’s Deep! Decide now if you want to bring with you your made-in-China fake bags and knock-off Nikes! Or if you plan to subsist on Chinese rice that’s actually plastic!

And the fake milk! Oh, sweet lord! Not the fake milk! Please, not the fake milk! How can we live without the fake milk?! Think of the children!

Are you trying to tell me something, Google?

Ohmigod! What next? Chinese tourists not coming over to vandalize our monuments and take a dump in flying airplanes, houses of worship, and centers of culture? How ever shall we deal with the ignominy of not being able to serve busloads of lovely Chinese visitors on a buffet frenzy, on a cherry blossom tornado of destruction, or on a desperate hunt for Harry Potter?

Why, we might never have the honor of creating an etiquette guide just for them or giving them their own special train, free from the disdainful stares and judgment of those pesky well-mannered tourists from other nations!

Time to go into a panic, fellow Pinoys!

We must scream and howl in despair!

We must gnash our teeth in unabashed sorrow!

We must give in to fear! Hang our heads in resignation!

Our economy will be in shambles!

We are ruined!

They plan to support Thai mangoes. They’re all yours, Thailand.

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