The Wheel and Axle

The Enabler

by on May.27, 2018, under My Life, Queer

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Once upon a time, I enabled cheating.

Knowingly.

Deliberately.

I was a third party.

For about two years, give or take.

That’s a pretty long time to be a mistron.

That was almost a decade ago. I’ve never really discussed it with anyone beyond a few friends. They knew, of course: my very best friends. I can never keep anything from those crazy bastards. They know me way too well.

But whenever I did talk about it with them, it’s always been in a flippant manner. Like I didn’t really care, or that I never really had any feelings, or that it was just nothing.

That’s self-deception, one that I finally recognized a couple of years after it ended.

It was never my proudest moment, but I’ve moved on from it. He and I are still friends, even if we haven’t really talked in years. If I would be honest, it never really formally ended.

We just… fizzled out.

Maybe it was for the best.

Drama is not my strongest suit. Neither is it his.

The “legal” boyfriend never even knew. Hell, we even became friends when our mutual man introduced us. It was really sick, when I think about it. The guy was very nice, and I felt like such a two-faced snake whenever he talked to me about our mutual man or approached me about their problems.

Maybe the boyfriend never deserved him in the first place. Maybe neither did I. Maybe we deserved better, I don’t know.

I’m glad that the legit guy has also moved on (without ever finding out about me).

Now, I’ve had some relationships afterwards, none of which I would consider very serious. I’ve still dated. I still do. And no, I will not knowingly be a third party again.

I’ve come to the point in my life, something I share with my besties, wherein I wouldn’t mind if the right guy comes along, but I will stop the high school bullshit of chasing things blindly.

If it happens, it happens.

It’s worked wonders for the past nine years. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever make the first move; as my mentor’s love coach said, “Embarrassment is not as bad as regret.” It just means that I’ve been pretty happy and pretty at ease with myself and my person, and I can just let it flow the natural flow.

I’ve also learned to not be judgmental of people in these situations. For the most part. I would be a huge hypocrite otherwise.

But I’ve never really talked about that period of my life, not in any serious or introspective manner at least.

I think putting it all in words helps when I suddenly, jarringly, got reminded of the ex today.

Because the fizzling out between us was truly open ended, and making it concrete through the written word helps bring closure to something that’s actually always been closed.

Photo credits:

Go Thai, Be Free

Sydney Gay Counsellor and Therapist

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