The Wheel and Axle

The year was 1998.

It was a time darker than I really acknowledged in the succeeding years. I have always considered it past me, that I’ve put it behind me, that I’ve learned my life lessons, that it was something I could easily shrug off, maybe even laugh off.

Apparently, it wasn’t entirely true, and all these years I’ve suppressed how much of an impact that incident really had in my life.

Recently, at the suggestion of my mentor Jessica, we visited Healing House. We did some alternative therapy, and during my session, I recalled that dark time – the only time I have ever really felt suicidal.

It seems so trivial now. I was an immature, barely-21 young man. Then again, what seems trivial now meant the whole world to someone so hopeful in life during that time.

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The last time that I ever had truly suicidal thoughts that I seriously considered actioning upon was in my early twenties. I was still in college. I was in an emotionally bad place, and when you’re that young, everything is the weight of the world. Even if, in hindsight, I now think about how shallow the reasons had been for my depression, I cannot discount the fact that it was a reality in me at that time.

What makes one think about taking one’s life is never truly shallow. We must always keep this in mind when we deal with people who may be suffering.

I can confidently say that I have not been at risk of such thoughts since the late 90s. I have never seriously contemplated taking my life since I started working and being independent, even in the most trying of times – situations perhaps worse than what I had in college.

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I don’t know how I’ve been rendered speechless.

It’s not like me to be quite at a loss for words.

I pride myself in my capability to find the perfect sentence, the right turn of phrase, the exact word that makes things right or moves things along. Admittedly, I am stronger with the written word than the spoken, and yet despite this I’ve rarely found it difficult to express things to anyone, at least not in the last decade or so.

And yet here I am, rendered incapable of expressing my thoughts, of speaking my emotions, as though the mere act would consume me.

Overly dramatic, for sure, and perhaps therein lies the shame I feel for something I should actually be joyful about. But where is the joy in the thought of risking all that you want with just a mere utterance of a phrase or two?

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15 August 2018.

Originally posted on my Facebook account. I was on vacation in Thailand – first in Bangkok, then Chiang Mai. I never thought I’d ever get this opportunity, but wow.

Ok, forgive this fanboy moment, but I’ve been such a huge fan of Pluem Purim ever since Slam Dance the Series. Yes, I do watch Thai soaps and shows. Sue me.

Yesterday, I found out from the fan club’s IG that he’s flying from Chiang Mai to Bangkok tonight, several hours before our own flight to Bangkok (where we would stay until Friday before flying home to the Philippines).

So I went for it.

He’s really nice and personable with the fans there. It was definitely worth the effort seeing him in person, and it was a nice thing to have experienced on my birthday vacation trip!

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Charlie was always interesting. On our first day in class, she reiterated that she was Fernandez, not Gonzalez, and woe be to the ones who made a mistake when making submissions. This was the mid-90s, and Charlie was tired of getting papers addressed to the beauty queen.

Charlie was always supportive. She was one of my first mentors, one who encouraged me to continue writing. She believed in me. Not only did she give me a 1.0 in her class, she also used my final paper on Anne Rice for succeeding classes. She often told me the story of how my paper was stolen from her office, and after a couple of years, some student submitted it as her final work. It did not end well for that kid. I guess I should just be proud that my paper was good enough to be sold to plagiarists in those Recto thesis mills.

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Once upon a time, I enabled cheating.

Knowingly.

Deliberately.

I was a third party.

For about two years, give or take.

That’s a pretty long time to be a mistron.

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It’s no secret to folks around me that I’m a huge fan of Derrick Monasterio. Ever since The Road and through to Mulawin vs. Ravena, I’ve always thought he had the potential of a very good actor.

So far, he hasn’t disappointed – and like I said before, I see him as a triple threat: a rarity in show business, especially local. Despite Filipino expectations that their matinee idols be capable of singing, dancing, and acting, there are really very few who can actually do all three very well. Derrick, in my opinion, is one of those rare gems.

Well, he certainly hit the right notes again last Friday night in the sequel to the 2016 Oh Boy! concert, this time called Oh, Boy! Oh, LOL.

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Pluem Purim turns 21 today, May 21st, during the 21st century (as my friend André said).

I’ve been a huge fan of Thai actor Pluem Purim Rattanaruangwattana (okay, let’s call him Pluem) since last year. I first saw him on Slam Dance, where he played Ryu.

Interject: Slam Dance made me a fan of Thai-seryes – which I find more interesting than Koreanovelas and all the other Asian imports. I find that the Thai are less uptight about solid LGBT stories, something woefully lacking in much of Asian soaps and series.

Back to Pluem.

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From mid-2016 to the end of 2017, I had one blog article – sometimes two – every single day. No missed day. Just to show that I can do it.

In 2018, I’ve taken a break – primarily because I’ve gotten busy, but also because Jessica advised me to try and space things out. She’s right, as always. So I’ve barely blogged this year. (That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.)

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Today is #IDAHOT: International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.

Today we remember our brothers and sisters who became victims of violence and hate. Today we are reminded that, despite some progress in our struggle, the fight for our rights continues.

Respect and acceptance: because LGBT+ rights are human rights.

And perhaps, when people realize that, then we can truly say that it is an inclusive and diverse society.

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